On Thursday the 30th of October at about 5:15pm, I was in a video call with a physiatrist through Psychiatry UK and he says the words I've been expecting for over 2 years.... "Suzy, you have ADHD".
I'd already done lots of the online forms and tests to see what the result would be and it always came out that I had ADHD, but hearing it from an actual medical professional hit differently.
I could finally start to understand why I think, feel and act the way I do. I did get a little emotional after the call because it meant that instead of being told I'm stupid or depressed, I was on the right path to working myself out.
When I was in primary school and my first secondary school (I went to 4), I would have extra classes to help me with reading and writing. I remember loving those classes because it was me, a few other students and 1 or 2 teachers. I was getting 1 on 1 help and I would do really well. Until I went back into the classroom and got lost in a room full of 20+ kids and 1 teacher. I also remember that a few times in junior school I would have someone sitting with me writing my answers in tests but I never properly understood the questions so always got them wrong.
I always felt stupid and the other kids in my class calling me stupid and bullied me.
For most of year 9, I was home schooled by my mum and sister, and it was amazing. I learnt a lot because it was just me, I felt it easier to concentrate and I always had someone with me helping me. My mum was worried about me missing out on work for my GCSEs so sent me back to school and I found that I was quite far ahead of everyone else in my year. I felt quite smart for a little while but then I was lost in a classroom of kids again and I was back to being stupid again.
I didn't do too bad in my GCSEs but I also didn't do great, I hadn't understood a lot of the work and felt too ashamed to ask for help. Maybe if I had had the ADHD diagnosis back then, I would have done better.
In my late 20s I was having trouble with my mental health, I was having panic attacks, my moods were really low, I couldn't go anywhere other than work without Sean because I would panic, I was all over the place. I went to the doctor and after a 5 minute conversation, was prescribed antidepressants. They worked for about a month and then started to ware off so the doctor put my dosage up. they started to ware off again so I refused to take them anymore, I didn't see the point if they weren't working. So I struggled on as I was thinking the doctors couldn't help.
I even ended up quitting a job with no other job to go to because I was on urge of a nervous break down. There had been a re-structer and I was told to go into a department where I didn't like and I couldn't do the work but got told that if I didn't like it, I could leave. I tried for a year and felt bullied by my manager who did her best to make me feel stupid. I finally gave up when she tried to give me a disciplinary for something I hadn't done but instead of fighting back, I gave my notice instead. It took me 6 months to get my confidence back to go back to work.
In 2021, nearly a year after my dad passed away, I had a mini breakdown. I didn't know who I really was anymore, I was constantly scared and having major panic attacks. I again reached out to my doctors who again put me on antidepressants, but this time, told me about ISEO which is free online theory service. It didn't take long for the antidepressants to stop working again but this time, I was having weekly online chat sessions with a therapist who was helping me to work out my triggers. It did help, and to be honest, I haven't had any big panic attacks in years, a few little ones but none that have left me clinging to the nearest person and crying like a baby. But still, the doctors never thought to look into helping me further when I said the medication wasn't working, it just got dropped.
Maybe if I had had the ADHD diagnosis, I could have been helped the first time I went to the doctors. You see, when I was a kid, ADHD was misdiagnosed as dyslexia. And in adults, it can be misdiagnosed as depression. The professionals I've dealt with seem to have just gone with the first thing they thought of and didn't look into anything else.
I do often think about how different my life could have been if I had been diagnosed properly when I was a kid. I could of done better at school, I could have done better in life as people would have understood me a little better.
I'm very lucky that the people I work closely with either know about ADHD or have ADHD so they understand me quite well. They all know that emailing me or sending me a Teams message with something they need me to do urgently. If it starts getting loud in the office, everyone know I'm putting my headphones in to listen to music to help me concentrate. 2 of the lads are great at explaining things to me in a way that I understand and have the pacients of saints when I ask them same questions for the 40th time because it goes in 1 ear and out the other.
I'm still waiting for my ADHD medication, last time I looked on the Psychiatry UK website, the waiting time for medication is 10 to 12 months. So I have a minimum of 3 months to wait. I've read lots of reviews about the medication, some are good and some are bad, but I am still excited to get started. I'm really fascinated to see if I change, if my brain becomes less noisy and I can actually focus like a normal person.
Stay tuned for updates 😁