But the number 1 thing was seeing my dad dressed up as Santa, ever since I was a little kid, my dad would get dressed up as Santa to raise money for charity. He even came to my nursery school and I had to be swiftly taken out the room because I could hear my dad's voice but I couldn't find him hahaha.
He looked like Santa even when he wasn’t in his Santa suit, he had the long white hair, the bushy beard and the jolly belly. A few times a year we would catch little kids looking at my dad very confused because they were seeing Santa and it wasn’t Christmas haha.
That all changed though in 2020 when my dad passed away, my main reason for loving Christmas was gone and I didn’t know how I felt about Christmas anymore. I was very insistent about spending the whole week with my mum as there was no way I would let her be on her own for her first Christmas without dad.
We all did our utmost to make it an amazing Christmas for each other, but it was hard to ignore the fact we were all missing my dad. Since then, each year has been hard for me because I want to cry whenever I see someone dressed as Santa, I've even had a few incidences where I just don't want to be near a Santa. I left a Christmas market early this year because the Santa looked so much like my dad.
I was super emotional in the lead up to Christmas this year, I don't know why, I tried to make sure that it would be special, but I honestly wish that Sean and I had gone away somewhere instead of being at home. I think back to a few years ago when we went to Orlando for Christmas, even though there were decorations up everywhere, it didn't feel like Christmas. I'm wondering if that is what I really want, a dulled down version of Christmas.
I'm lucky that I have Sean and my mum for support, they are both happy with having a quiet Christmas; in fact Sean isn't massively bothered by Christmas so he has said he is happy with going away next year.
The thing is though, I'm not the only one who feels like they could do with a dulled down Christmas. It might not be the same reason as me, there could be a million reasons why, but whatever the reason is, we need to make sure that everyone knows that it's ok.
We don't have to be all super happy about Christmas if we really don't want to be. If we don't want to buy people presents because the whole thing is stressful, money in a card or a really nice card is fine. You don't have to go to Christmas parties if you are going to feel overwhelmed or if there will be people there you don't want to see.
A persons mental health is more important than a yearly holiday. It doesn't mean we hate Christmas, I for one have nothing against Christmas. I'm not a Grinch or a Scrooge, Christmas just doesn't feel the same for me anymore.